2022 — Five Years Still In This
It’s been a crazy couple of years. I was originally diagnosed with what turned out to be very late stage congenital Lyme Disease and co-infections in February of 2017. Since then I’ve been diagnosed with a multiple of things including some autoimmune diseases. People with Lyme joke and say that Lyme never comes to the party alone — it bring friends. The friends are the co-infections like Bartonella, Babesia, Rickettsia and Erhlichia (all of which I have) but thank goodness am having my second remission. After I fell out of my first remission from mold poisoning in 2019, apparently it triggered a host of new autoimmune illnesses like vitligo, Pernicous Anemia (literally means deadly anemia) and most recently likely Sjogren’s which causes the most horrific dry mouth I’ve ever experienced.
On top of that, the pandemic destroyed my one thriving business — my wellness center that I started over 25 years ago. And I realized last week why it was destroyed — because I trusted my doctors’ advice and opted out of the COVID vaccines. Anyone who knows me knows I’m not a crazy antivaxxer. One of my many illnesses is mast cell activation syndrome. My body produces too many mast cells. I could go into anaphylaxis. In fact, my last angioedema attack in November was probably the closest I ever came to actually needing an epipen. I was literally gasping for breath and the word epipen never even entered my brain, nor did it enter Kris’ brain. Instead all I could think was maybe I need to have him call 911. Luckily I was able to breathe through it but was numb and tingly for a good half hour — it really frightened both of us. I feel like I shouldn’t be punished for taking my doctors’ advice seriously. In fact the one doctor who in March of 2021 told me she thought I should get vaccinated, completely changed her tune for people like me as she’s seen new cardiac and neurological symptoms that weren’t there before. I thought long and hard last year and did some real soul searching about vaccine mandates — wondering if I didn’t live with scary illnesses, would I still not believe in medical mandates. The answer I came to was no — I don’t believe in them. I do think that people who are healthy should do the right thing and get vaccinated to keep them and others safe but no one should be forced into taking any type of pharmaceutical including vaccines. We get to choose other medical treatments, why not these? There’s a subset of people like myself who have very legitimate medical reasons for opting out. I could go into anaphylactic and die. The angioedema attack in November was like a dress rehearsal and I failed it miserably. While I feel good about my decision as it’s my body I’m trying to protect, apparently most of my regular clients weren’t okay with it and didn’t tell e — they just bailed.
I’m devastated at the state of the country with the Republicans getting ready to overturn Roe vs. Wade next month. I’m depressed about my business as I was working 12 hour days prior to the pandemic. I’m depressed about my health as this dry mouth is causing me to lose weight and more and more quality of life and to be honest, I don’t know how much long I can keep going with this. Last Thursday I was driving home from my IV appointment in Irvine and I hadn’t slept the night before. I was so depressed and crying and I had this overwhelming urge to close my eyes while driving on the freeway and letting my car veer off and end everything. I’d never felt that way before and it scared the daylights out of me — enough that I called my husband and bawled on the phone how scared I was. I told him the truth and he literally talked me off the ledge from doing anything stupid. The only thing that stopped me was thinking about my parents and my kids and Kris. As much as I didn’t want to be here, I could never hurt them like that — they’d be destroyed — and as a victim of trauma I couldn’t subject that type of trauma on them so I’m here, living another day — one day at a time as it’s all I can do. I pray and hope for the best. I try to express gratitude and remind myself that I’m on THIS side of the grass — which these days with the millions of people dying in the pandemic either because they got COVID or died by suicide, I have a ton to be grateful for. I’m in a good place with my marriage and both kids. I’m in a great place with my mother (all mothers and daughters have ups and downs and we’re no exception). I want to live but I want much better quality of life and I want to feel like I’m needed and am here for a person. I’m tired of being a burden to Kris. I don’t talk about my illnesses at work unless someone asks how I am and even then I keep it light. I’m hoping to rebuild my business and have a new start so wish me luck! And if you know anyone in the Los Angeles area, please refer them to me as I’m an awesome esthetician, health coach, colon hydrotherapist and skincare formulator. Thanks for being part of my journey!
